Wednesday, February 11, 2009

No Story but My Own

I heard it said long ago that "comparison is the thief of joy." How true this is! I have seen this proved again and again in my life, and I have found that I am at my most content when I am satisfied with exactly what the Lord has given to me without comparing it to what others have/don't have. I am reminded of Aslan's words to Shasta in C.S. Lewis' The Horse and His Boy.... Shasta is asking why certain things happened to his friend Aravis, and Aslan replies, "Child, I tell no one any story but his own." If I could only learn to live in my story!

One of the most difficult things for me lately has been comparing Eli to other babies his age. Granted, he is not a true 9-month-old baby. He was born almost 2 months early, which puts him at about 7 months of age. But still. I look at other babies who are growing like weeds, eating all kinds of foods, crawling around the house, babbling with consanants galore, and I think, "Why not Eli?" Why is he gaining weight so slowly? having trouble eating? refusing tummy time, much less crawling? babbling only with "ooo" and "aaahhh" sounds? I see my nephews, born around the same time as Eli, surpassing him in both development and size. I watch them crawl around, eat happily and much, use consanants that have never escaped Eli's lips. And I think, "Why not Eli?"

And then I kick myself and feel so ashamed, because in making these comparisons I am robbing myself of the joy of having Eli be exactly who he is. I am robbing myself of the enjoyment of every single moment of this baby that we almost lost 9 months ago. And I am robbing Eli of a mom who is thrilled with exactly who he is.

I have been praying so much this week for a heart that is absolutely joyful and content in what the Lord has given to me, namely my sweet son. I want to savor every single moment of Eli's life, whether he's 13 pounds or 20 pounds, crawling or not, eating tons or eating only a little, saying "ooo" and "aaahhh" or saying full sentences. Eli is Eli, knitted together by our amazing Father who knows him inside and out. I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world. Oh, for the heart to truly live in my story without letting comparison rob me of joy. This story- of Eric, me, and Eli- is a pretty good one after all.


Michelle Burk said...

Sweetheart, enjoy being needed! He sounds like an amazing little being! I remember when James was 9 months and my friend Katie's son was the same age and he was walking. I thought "Is James behind?". There will always be someone ahead and someone behind you guys. Just relish the baby stage because it is so fleeting! I have loved reading your blog! You are a very eloquent writer.

I Love You!