Thursday, July 16, 2009

Throwing a Fit 101

How to Throw a Supremely Terrorizing Fit
by Eli Wilson

1. Act deceptively happy when Mommy takes you to swimming lessons. Display mock enjoyment at the variety of activities offered at the pool. Convince your mommy that you are having a terrific time.

2. After she is thoroughly convinced, drastically and immediately change your mood. Become unbearably sad. Fuss a lot, squirm even more, and make sure to make all the other moms look in your direction.

3. When mommy is sufficiently frustrated by your behavior, it is time to turn it up, both in volume and in attitude. Begin screaming uncontrollably. Push away from your mommy so that it is nearly impossible for her to hold you in the water. Once again, make sure that everyone in the entire pool is looking at you.

4. After mommy gives up on the idea of finishing class and begins to get out of the water, lunge dramatically at the side of the pool so that she sets you down on the side, thinking that this is what you want.

5. Now is the time to really put on a show. As soon as you are on the edge of the pool, scream as loudly as possible, arch your back, and throw yourself onto the hot concrete, kicking and screaming all the while. Act like you absolutely despise the woman who birthed you and want nothing to do with her.

6. As soon as your mommy carries you over to the shade to get you dressed, and when you are completely sure that she is frazzled, embarrassed, and losing her patience, do a 180-degree turn-a-round, deciding that now your mommy is all that you want in the world. If she puts you town for 3.4 seconds to wrap a towel around herself, cry the most heart-breaking cry that you can muster so that all the moms in the area are propelled to ask your mommy, "Why, what is wrong with your precious boy?" See? They're all on your side now!

7. When mommy manages to get you dressed, despite the screaming and clinging, and takes you to the car, settle comfortably into your seat, drink your juice, eat your snack, and play contentedly with your toys. Act like nothing ever happened.

8. Fall alseep in the car so that when your mommy goes to get you out when you get home, she sees your sweet little sleeping face, complete with gorgeous eyelashes, incredibly soft skin, and hair that smells so yummy. When she picks you up, snuggle against her so that she questions whether the precious being she is holding is actually capable of the events that just occurred. Congratulations, you have won your battle.

(But not the war!!!)


Tricia F said...

oh my goodness!
Erica, your writing style is excellent. Thanks for sharing this in such a clever way.
Hopefully you won't have too many more of those tantrums.
By the way, don't be so concerned about what all the other moms think. They've had their days of tantrums too, if they remember.